Fan Service
by Ellislash
Summary: The boys go to ComiCon and hilarity ensues. Part one is fairly clean, part two will have smut. NxE, NxOC, ExOC, strong language, sexual themes. I don't own anything that's Valve's, or any of the other trademarked characters. Sarah's mine, though.


Nick had a lot of guilty pleasures. Most of them he didn't feel guilty about, but kept secret anyway - partly for legal reasons, and partly because of image. For example, it simply wouldn't do to have his underworld contacts know about his taste for red velvet cake. Nothing wrong with red velvet cake, it just didn't fit with his professional persona.

As far as guilty pleasures were concerned, anime fell squarely into the latter category.

He had a very secret flash drive, which he kept in a very secret pocket of his favorite jacket. It was just big enough to carry three low-res 50-minute videos at a time. One was usually porn, but the other two were episodes of whatever show he was interested in at the moment. His favorite was _Cowboy Bebop_, but by the time of the Outbreak he'd become quite a follower of _Claymore_.

It had started two years back, in San Diego. There had been some kind of weirdo convention, and it was perfect for some low-risk pickpocketing. Dress up in a stupid costume - with a mask, no less - and all the crowd's swag-cash was his. And, as an added bonus, there were girls. Massively outnumbered by guys, of course, and many were definitely not his type; but the percentage wearing very skimpy, very sexy outfits was much higher than in normal life. Some girls wore next to nothing; some were obviously desperate for attention; and some were smoking hot.

Lady Luck was all three.

She was gorgeous, she flirted with every man in the room, and if you discounted her baggy yellow jacket, the total amount of fabric on her body might have been enough to make a very nice handkerchief. And then there was the gun...

That night he used the day's ill-gotten gains to take her to dinner, then showed her what she'd been missing by hitting on incompetent virgin freaks like that. In turn, she showed him the kind of things that usually only premium-access porn sites had to offer.

He stuck around with her for the whole weekend-at first just for the sex, but the more time he spent in the roiling cauldron of geekdom, the more he liked it. He learned that his new toy's name was Faye Valentine. He learned to completely screen out the high-frequency squeals and screams of "fangirls." And he didn't steal anything else.

Nick kept that weekend a deathly secret from everyone - which wasn't that hard, considering he usually kept _every_thing about himself secret. But the following year found him back in San Diego, dressed like Wolverine, lurking in the screening rooms with a girl on each arm.

Then there was the apocalypse.

.

For the first few months they stuck together, unsure and uncomfortable, unable to handle being separated. But life went on, as life is wont to do, and slowly they found their feet again. Rochelle's sister turned up in South Dakota. Coach got a job in Washington. Ellis joined a garage in southern California. And Nick changed his ways, mostly. He started a security consulting firm in Oregon, but still tried to live mostly under the radar. He wasn't about to bet that felony convictions from Before weren't still a major pain in the ass. The four of them kept in touch online, mostly, and occasionally called each other. As time went by their contact grew less frequent, but never stopped.

Five years After, Nick got an email. The convention was starting up again. He didn't feel like going until he remembered all the easy women. Then he realized that his old buddy Ellis might like to go; he hadn't been drooling about any girls in his life lately. The invitation was enthusiastically accepted, and Ellis even offered to let Nick stay at his place for the weekend (though the ex-con only intended to do that if neither of them got lucky). They decided to wear what they'd worn back then, for old time's sake, and spent the weeks leading up to the convention trading news and plans, looking forward to seeing each other again.

* * *

><p>It was almost worse than fighting the horde. Hundreds, thousands of screaming people, girls and guys alike, swarming and reaching out to them, waving pens or articles of clothing and pushing - oh god, the pushing!<p>

For once in his life Nick was relieved to see police. The uniforms stemmed the tide enough that he and Ellis could catch their breaths. The mechanic's eyes transitioned from flashback-induced terror to ordinary shock as he checked that his hat was still there.

"Nick, what th'-"

"I don't know! I don't know what the _fuck_ just happened!"

"I think... they might wanna talk to us," Ellis wondered aloud as he calmed down. "They don't look like a real riot..."

Nick stopped reflexively checking for his gun.

"I don't feel like sticking around for it to get that bad," he growled. "Let's get out of- Ellis? _Ellis_! What the hell!" He swore fluently as his impossibly curious companion approached the madding crowd, arms open and palms out like he thought he was the Son of God returned. To Nick's eternal disbelief, it had exactly that effect.

The massive roar slowly died as the word passed back. From what Nick could see, the people in front were either being raptured or having incredible orgasms. He slowly stepped forward to stand at Ellis' shoulder, still braced for a fight.

"Uh... Uh, I ain't no good in front a' audiences, Nick, yew better ask 'em what they want."

"Then what'd you get up here for, dumbass? You ask."

"Don'tcha call me dumbass! Comin' here was _yer_ idea..." He trailed off as they suddenly realized that the crowd seemed to be hanging on their every word.

"Would you like us to disperse them, sir?" asked a clearly edgy policeman.

"No, no, that's okay, s'long as they don't go tramplin' us," Ellis answered before Nick could beg for a gas grenade. He turned back to the crowd, and swallowed visibly.

"Um... Uh, what... Why y'all so excited? What'd we do?"

Several members of the mob seemed stunned at the question. A short woman wearing cat's ears and a red backpack moved forward a step, only to be blocked by security. She spoke with a northeastern accent.

"You're... You're Nick and Ellis," she began, stammering with nerves. Nick's criminal side activated red alert - how the hell did this random girl know his name? "We thought those were just really good costumes, but then you talked, and... oh jeez, I'm dying here, you're famous! How can you not know?" Her face was crimson and her blue eyes were huge.

"Famous? Why the hell are we famous?" Nick snapped, trying to be as nasty as possible. For some reason it only made the girl more excited.

"You were the last! The last to make it out alive! You and Rochelle and Coach-"

"_How does she know them!_" Ellis hissed in Nick's ear.

"_I haven't got a fucking clue!_"

"-and it's huge, we all play, we never thought we'd ever meet you, but ohmygod can I give you a hug?" Her huge grin looked just a tiny bit manic.

The pair of survivors stood stunned as the whole group took up the cry. "Can I hug you?" "Can I have your autograph?" "Tell us about that one time with Keith!" "Can I wear your hat?" "Call me a fuckin' idiot, Nick, please!" "Ellis, what's your official instructions?" "_I want to have your babies!_" The most disturbing part was that it wasn't only women screaming that last one.

Nick dropped his head into his hands and moaned.

"Fuck my life. We have fangirls."

"_Fangirls_? What's a fangirl?"

"Them. All of them. Even the guys. Fuck."

Ellis looked thoughtful for a moment, then got a sly little smile.

"Well, isn't it like ya said, all the chicks're lookin' ta get laid? Seems like we got th' pick a' th' litter. Dibs on th' one with the ears." He grinned hugely. "C'mon, man, we're celebrities! Let's have us some fun!"

Nick stared at him in disbelief. The mechanic turned back to their devoted masses, raising his hands again for silence. Apparently he'd gotten over his stage fright.

"All right, y'all, we hadn't got any idea we was famous down here, so we're kinda feelin' whelmed over. But we'd love ta talk to ya-"

"No, we damn well wouldn't!" yelled Nick. His outburst was met with cheers.

"-Right, _I'd _love ta talk ta y'all, but I ain't too fond a' hordes. Yew with the ears, what's yer name?"

The young woman's cheeks went redder than a medkit. Ellis realized that she looked a bit like his old flame Zoey, only with curlier hair. He liked it.

"S... Sarah. I'm Sarah. Or Cat-Ears, I'll answer to that..."

"Sarah. Cool. Yew stick here an' tell me what-all people been sayin' 'bout us. The rest a' ya... I promise t'stick around, maybe I c'n git one'a them - whaddaya call 'em - _panel _things. That's what they're called, right, Nick?"

"Yes," muttered Nick into his palms.

"Right. Okay. Panel. We'll get one. 'Til then our 'druthers is not t'be mobbed ta death. Go do convention stuff, y'all!"

There was a sweet, sweet moment of silence. Then a single voice from the middle of the crowd ruined it.

"_MAKE OUT!_"

That set the whole place off again. Nick finally got the police to break up the mess, except for the cat-ears woman who seemed to be blissfully traumatized. Once they'd been escorted to a quiet room the men succumbed to shock, too.

"Did somebody seriously just ask us ta _make out_?" Ellis asked, bewildered.

"Um. Yeah. Yeah they did," Sarah answered timidly.

"And _why_ precisely would they do that?" Nick picked up in a deadly cold tone of voice. The blushing resumed, if possible even deeper than before. Sarah stared very hard at a bit of fluff on the ground.

"Oh boy... um. Um, listen... oh, god this is awkward..."

Ellis placed an arm around her shoulders with a smile.

"'Sokay, he don't bite. I wanna hear what this is all about."

Her expression at being touched was priceless. If the crowd had looked raptured before, Nick thought, this chick had just had an industrial power line plugged directly into her brain's pleasure center. She tried to talk and only managed to squeak.

"Ellis, I think she's got a crush on you. Better back off or she'll explode," Nick snarked. He wasn't sure from her face whether Sarah wanted to glare at him, or rip his clothes off. He smirked.

Sarah swallowed, hard, and tried again to speak.

"I'm okay. You're right. About the crush. On both of you. Erm." She squirmed, and Ellis found himself fascinated by her movements. "So, the, uh, the make-out thing. You ever heard of Rule 34?" They shook their heads. "It's a law of the internet. If something exists, there's porn of it. _No _exceptions." She eyed them both meaningfully. "And if you'll forgive me, the stuff fans make of you two is really, really hot." Her fiery blush returned.

"Really." Nick's default reaction when he did not know where he stood was to blank out his face, like he was playing poker. Ellis, on the other hand, let his jaw hit the floor.

"_What?_ That just ain't right!"

Sarah shrugged sheepishly. "It's the rules. I guess you didn't get together in the end after all?"

"_Together_. Exactly what is that supposed to mean?"

"Y'know, as a couple. Lots of people write stories, to kind of expand the game world, and some of 'em make you two a thing. And then after you get rescued you go live together in Washington, or something. I'm guessing that's not really what happened. And that's okay, I mean most people don't slash you, there's just this small community that does and some of them are really good writers and..."

"Stop. You sound like _him_."

"Sorry."

"What's wrong with soundin' like me?"

"Shut up, Overalls."

For some reason this made Sarah squeak and giggle into her hands.

"What's 'slash?' It don't sound like ya mean it in th' cuttin' and hackin' sorta way."

She squirmed again.

"It's a kind of writing that focuses on inter-character relationships that don't usually happen in the source material," she explained nervously. "So you guys obviously aren't a thing, in real life, but some people write stories that make you a thing. What-if stuff. Some of it is innocent and some of it... uh, _isn't_. And the people who read that kind, they want to see you make out. Because it would be hot."

Nick massaged his temples, fighting a headache and noting that this girl seemed to know an awful lot about the topic.

"This is what I get for not wearing a mask."

Ellis had on a face that spoke of both disgust and keen amusement.

"Okay, I don't think I wanna hear any more 'bout that. If only a few people write that... uh, stuff... what's ev'ryone else all riled up about?"

Sarah seemed relieved to change the subject. For the next half hour she explained in detail why they were recognized and what made them famous. She never relaxed fully, Nick noted, and got all hot and bothered again when Ellis asked why somebody had asked to bear their children.

"Um. Well. You're both gorgeous-" They smiled at that. "-and you're fuckin' badass, both of you with the killing and surviving and being all witty and awesome. If I were interested in kids I'd stand in line for you. Also it makes evolutionary sense, 'cause Green Flu immunity is passed through the father. As is, I'd still do you both, any time. At the same time, even..."

Somewhere in this explanation her eyes had gotten misty, and Nick knew she'd gone into her own internal monologue. Sarah figured this out rather later, and snapped back to reality blushing furiously. Again.

"Oh god I did not mean to say that out loud."

Nick and Ellis had matching expressions: one eyebrow raised high as it would go, half-smiles a little curious and a little freaked out.

"Exactly how old are you, Sarah?" Nick asked slyly.

"Twentyseven," she whispered, mortified.

"Yer a year younger'n me," Ellis mused aloud. "So Nick's got thirteen years on ya."

"Um."

Nick and Ellis looked at each other, then back at their guide. She appeared to be trying to shrink herself into oblivion.

"Let's focus, people," Nick finally said, firmly quashing his inappropriate feelings. "Ellis, you promised that crowd a panel. How, exactly, do you propose to get one?"

Ellis was at a loss, also trying to rein in his instinctual response to Sarah's statement. She had an idea, though.

"I'll go find an Enforcer. When he meets you he'll call the management and clear an auditorium. You're, like, a huge deal. They'll advertise you all weekend."

"Advertise, huh?" Nick's business instincts perked up. "I'd better meet with the guy in charge."

"Well, you should stay here until I get back. You haven't got enough ammo to fight the horde again," Sarah quipped, and ducked out of the room.

There was silence for a few precious moments. Then Ellis cleared his throat noisily.

"Well, I called dibs."

Nick felt like his eyebrow would be stuck up in his hairline at this rate. "_Dibs_? You really think I'm going to double-team a woman that much younger than me? With _you_?"

"Wouldn't put it past ya, bein' that yer a shady character."

"That's true, but it ain't gonna happen. I like 'em taller anyway." Nick leaned back in his chair. "You were right when you said we'd have the pick of the litter, so I'm going to pick."

"Aww, she'll be so disappointed," teased Ellis with a mischeivous grin, and elbowed his friend in the ribs. "Well go on then, pick. But I like 'er, an' if she gets all excited thinkin' 'bout _both_ of us... First time fer ev'rythin', right?"

"I will _not_ play into these people's sick fantasies."

"Suit yerself."

When Sarah came back, she had a muscular man in a black-and-yellow shirt with her. He had a walkie-talkie on his hip and a nametag that said "Roger the Magnificent" stuck askew to his chest. A purple-crested viking helm perched awkwardly on tight black curls.

"Nick and Ellis, Roger. Roger, I swear, they're really them!"

The Enforcer looked them over with a grin.

"Talk to me. Anything."

Ellis remembered what Sarah had taught them about their fame, and responded accordingly.

"Kill all sonsabitches. That's my 'ficial instructions."

Roger positively cackled.

"And you?"

Nick rolled his eyes.

"_TITS_."

Roger cracked up.

"That was always my favorite! You sure look and sound like 'em. I assume I can't confirm your identities any better than that?" They shrugged and handed over their driver's licenses, which the Enforcer examined with an increasingly huge grin. "I'll be damned! It's a real pleasure to meet you... This lady said something about a panel?"

They talked to Roger, then an extremely large man in a forest-camouflage kilt, then finally a tall, slim fellow in a suit. Nick took over at this point, and negotiated the use of the center's largest auditorium for two hours each evening. He even managed to get paid for it; their panel was made public, with an entry fee, and they were promised 30% of the take. Lackeys were sent scurrying to advertise the last-minute addition to the roster.

They finally got to see the show by pretending to be cosplayers. They got stopped a lot for photos, but thankfully no more hordes materialized. Sarah shadowed them to act as fan-liaison and Ellis chatted freely with her, clearly enamored with the woman. Nick scoped out the crowd for his own Lady Luck, but decided to wait until after their panel to really start hunting. If they came to see him, they'd be fighting each other to go home with him.


End file.
